Okay this is a video that I did. Yes it has Sparkal on it, but its me Melissa. Sparkal is the name I use when I play online games. I figure I will keep it all on one channel for the time being until I can build up a userbase if that ever happens. Its still me. I just use a different name on youtube.
I have been thinking about this the last couple days at least. As we grow up and even as we go through early adult hood we make mistakes. Do I regret some of my past mistakes? Yes but I also see it as a blessing. If I did not do those mistakes when I was younger, I would be doing those mistakes now. I had to learn from those mistakes. Nobody can tell you not to make those mistakes. What works for one person does not work for another.
The simple fact is, is I am learning who I am now since my mother passed away this past August. I loved my mom, but she did not always teach me the right things growing up. Some of the problems I do have is because of her.
I never had a lot growing up, but I did the best under the circumstances.
I thing I know is that my mother was never good with money. Yeah I know we did not have a lot of money coming in, but still.
I remember when I first got a credit card years ago that my mother told me to just pay the minimum. Even then, I knew that was wrong. I would never get out of debt if I listened to her. At the start I was good but eventually I ran into problems. Right now I do not have any credit cards but I am working toward that again. What I learned when I was younger is what I won’t do this time. I will be the way I was years ago when I was responsible with credit cards. I swore I would never get them again, but now it is my goal as I want to improve my credit score. I fixed the damage my mother caused to my credit so why not go farther and bring it up farther. I still have student loans, but that will come in time.
Nobody knew what it was like living with my mother. She was way over protective and not let me live the life I wanted. I have always wanted more to my life. For one, I do not want to be struggling like she was and I am hoping that after I get a college degree, I will be able to get a better job. At least hopefully be able to open more job opportunities for myself.
What many people do not know is that I always am looking and planning for the future. I like to have plenty of money saved up so if something happens I have money to live on but also I would not be behind and struggling for money. If I could save up enough for many years, I would not have to struggle as much and I could live comfortably.
One of the most important things to me is to finish college. I have always believed in an education. Even through there are times that I struggle, I still enjoy learning. Even though I struggle, it just means I must work extra hard in the areas that I have a hard time with.
I am a returning student. I was not far from getting my bachelors the first time around. Its something I have been wanting to finish up for quite some time. I left school not by choice.
The last time I was in a University, I had a bad first semester. As a rule, advisors have your best interest at heart. They may have had my best interest at heart, but they did not know what I was capable of. I struggled that semester because I had to many hard classes at the same time. I know college is supposed to challenge you to a point. The other issue was that I was not prepared for the University. Coming from a community college and then going to a University is a shock. I struggled every semester to keep my grades up. The last semester, I was not able to keep a 2.0 average between all the classes I took that semester. It was one grade that caused me to be suspended as I was going back and forth that semester with Cs and Ds. I just had an instructor that was hard grader. It was the only school that I had issues with my grades. All other schools, I did fine. I usually did higher than a 2.0.
Now that I am older and had this experience, I know what to expect and I know I must look out for myself so that I would never be in this situation again. I know what I am capable of.
Due to maxing out all the financial Aid I could get, I do need scholarships to help me pay for college. I am not going to the same University that I had previously gone to. I did reapply to them and I was accepted, but I thought it may be in my best interest that I go to another University this time so that I have a fresh start in a sense. But it would not be a fresh start from the classes standpoint as I have classes that transferred in. I would have to take 30 credit hours to meet their residency requirements.
Since I cannot get financial aid, I must pay for the classes myself. That means that I must work and go to school. Because of that, I will be limited as to how many classes I can take at a time.
Even though the award is not a lot, every penny counts. It would help a little bit to pay for my classes. The cost of college is not cheap and anything that can help pay for college would be helpful. I really do believe I deserve this scholarship. I have come a long way to this point.
This scholarship can be located at: https://www.activia.co.uk/scholarship-us
For anyone who does not know me. I love computers and I have always had as long as I could remember. I am not a person that typically buys cheap. I go with the philosophy of you pay for what you pay for. If you buy cheap, you will get something that does not last long. If you buy something expensive, there is a higher chance that it will last longer. I’ve gone back and forth between a couple computers that I am interested in. They each have their pros and Cons. I wanted the alienware area51m, but thinking about it, it may be better not to get this version but wait for the next version if they release it. The reason why I feel this way is that its a new computer and still has some tweaking to work out. Normally, I would go for it but I feel that there is some room for improvement based off the information I found out about it. Sometimes new technology has bugs and problems and they usually fix the problems later on. Right now I am looking at the G7. Its been around for awhile but they keep trying to improve on it.
All my life, nothing has been easy. I know most people struggle at one point or another.All my life, I had known that I was a surprise. I was not expected which was not a bad thing. What I do know is that the year I was born, was the year that my mother had half a lung removed. She did not know she was going to have me and on top of it all, I was born a month early. I was supposed to be born around my grandfather’s birthday, but I was born 6 days before my grandmother’s birthday. So I was a premmie. With that, I did have some problems. To be honest, I was better off than some. Some have more problems than I did. The only real problem was that I had cataracts and that was not found out until I was 3 years old. That was removed of course. The good part about that though is that I don’t have to worry about getting it when I am older. One thing that was not caught in time and who knows if it could have been fixed anyways is that I am blind in one of my eyes. Vision loss may not be the same in everyone. I have some vision in that know but nothing sustancial. I do not have full vision in that eye. That side can only see part of an image.
Technology has come a long way, but if there was something to help me see out of that eye, I do not know if I would. It would be different if I was a little kid, but I feel that it could do more harm than good.
Simple fact, I am used to the way I am. What if it causes more harm than good. I am used to seeing out of one eye and what if my brain can’t adapt to the change?
A lot of times, I have a hard time admiting that I am disabled. I am really in that middle ground of an area. I am disable, but I am not. What I do know is that I have to be careful on what I do.
I have always struggled with school, but I do like to learn. I just have a hard time with science and math. To me, education is important. I believe that it could be a path to something better. That is why hopefully in the fall, I will be back in college I may struggle in school but its doable. I have to do what it takes to be successful. I went to college before and I want to finish what I started many years ago. I know I can do it and I will only have two semester and I will have my degree. When I was not that far away, I think it would be best to finish and hopefully I will be able to find a job after that.
When it comes to any computer I buy, I do not go with cheap computers. I like getting the most powerful computer I can get. I have high standards when it comes to computers. I value quality over quantity. I know what its like when I have had to sacrifice that because my mother bought me a cheap computer.
I usually want one that is future proof. Main thing is that I do not want to buy a new computer every couple years. Yes new tech comes out, but the current computer should be able to handle what you give it for a while.
Having said that, all my computers have to be gaming computers because I like computer games. More specifically I play MMOs. That means I need something powerful.
I know there are two camps of people. People who believe desktops are the only way to go when it comes to online gaming and people who want to game/video editing (once in a while) on a laptop. There are pros and cons. Depending on the laptop, the gap between desktops and laptops is smaller. Some of the current laptops actually have desktop CPUs and GPUs. When you put the GPU and CPU factor in, the speed of the memory comes into the factor. If you are looking into the highest memory speed, desktops still have the advantage. The highest I have seen in a laptop is 2666mhz. I think the highest I have seen in a desktop is 3200mhz.
I have narrowed down the laptops I am interested in, but from the spec point of view, they each have their drawbacks. No matter which computer I get when I can afford it, I want a 17″ screen.
These are the ones:
Dell G7 – The G7 model I want has the i7 processor and a rtx 2070 graphics card. The display has 144hz, but its not g-sync. The drawback of this computer is that its not g-sync and only 300nits.
Alienware m17 – The model I want has the i7 processor and rtx 2080 graphics card. The pro part of this computer is that the display is 400nits, but the drawback is that the display is only 60hz. I also want to red cover version.
Alienware Area 51m – The version I want is the i9 processor and a rtx 2080 graphics card. It has a 144hz display with g-sync. The only downside is that the memory 2400mhz. The only other thing I do not like is that the drives are raid 0. I like to get the darkside of the moon version.
As you can tell, these are all good choices with good and bad points. If I were to get the computers, the order I would buy them would be:
- Dell G7
- Alienware Area 51m
- Alienware m17
The reason I choose this order is because the G7 is cheaper. Area 51m, would have been my top choice if it was not for price. I can live with a slightly slower memory. It has everying I really like in a computer including have a desktop cpu and GPU. Finally there the m17. I like the idea of having nits which could be good for editing videos. I also like to use photoshop from time to time 🙂
If I were able to afford all three, I would be using the area 51m exclusively for the desktop which would always be on my desk. That would be the main computer I would use everyday. As for the other two, I would use them while I am out or need to not be at my desk for whatever reason. When it comes to pvp in games, it would be between the g7 amd the area 51m due to the 144 hz display. I would have to see which one would be better. I am also a personal fan of having more than one computer in case one computer is down and is in for repairs, I have backup computers to work with. If I had all three, I can easily find different uses for each computer 🙂 I would have my games installed on all three of course though :).
As many people may or may not know, I have always been into computers. Even more so, I loved video games and it was no surprise that I started playing computer games when I got a computer. When it comes to computers, I have always believed in having the best possible computer because you do not know what the future holds and you want to have something that is going to last a long time.
I never really have had the best computer. If I left it up to my mother to buy me a new computer, it won’t be the best. Now that she is gone, I don’t have her telling me what to buy. The thing is, my current computer is not the best and its showing its age now that I can’t play alot of the newer games out there. Its a pain now when doing group activities in SWTOR as people are waiting for me to load in because my computer is slow compared to them.
After she past away in August, I found that the specs of both of our computers were similar. The only difference is that my process is slightly better but not by much. Right now, I have been looking around but can’t afford a new computer just yet.
I have been going back and forth between Acer and Dell alienware. Now I will say this much. Back in the early days, I was not interested in Alienware. Now that has changed. I look for the quality of the product and they seem to foot the bill. What has changed my mind now is the design and what they have packed into their systems. I may be female, but I do push my systems. I need something that is going to last.
What has made me more inclined to go with Dell is that I am able to customize the computers to what I want. At minimum I want an alienware 17 and alienware aurora. The area 51 threadripper also interests me. I actually like to have more than one computer as each computer I can use them for different things. I want to be able to stream games I play, but I cannot do that with the current computer I have. With a new computer, I hope I will be able to do that.
On August 23rd, one of the scariest things could happen, happened. I found my mother not breathing on the floor. Only seconds earlier, he was yelling at Cookie to leave her alone. she did not fall down, but just laid down on her own just like she normally did when she was not feeling well. My instincts kicked in because usually as soon as she lays down, he settles down. This time he did not. I called her and no response. I had to put him away into his bed and call the ambulance for her and that was within seconds. I could not turn her so I had to wait for the ambulance. I tried and even if I could, who knows if that would have made a difference. She has not regained conciousness and with that I have to make the hardest choice of having to take her off the vent last week.
The thing is, my mother has always been overprotective. Because of that I have to figure everything out. The thing is, I have always been different than my mother. I have always had the belief of planning ahead.
Most parents, want to let their kids to be on their own. In my case, that is not the case. My mother has not entirely let me go. Sometimes, I even feel that she is dependant on me. The thing is, I need that independance. If I don’t get that indepedence, I will be lost. In my 20s I did go away to college and to be honest I miss it because I was more independant than I am now. I went places when I wanted or needed to.
I did not finish college and it was not from a lack of trying. The two community colleges I went to was because of a district thing. I then transferred into SIU. I made some mistakes on my first semester and I ended up playing catch up and never could make up for that one bad semester. I learned one lesson from that and that was go with my instincts. Just because someone says its going to be easy, does not mean its going to be easy. Community college does not prepare you for a University that has lecture halls. Even though its been more than 10 years, I still remember it like yesterday. I may not remember things exactly as they happened, but I do remember that first semester I had a lot of hard classes. Math and Science is not my strong suit and I had both plus a computer science class. After that sememster, I was going to change my major but I could not until I get my GPA up so I have a whole lot of classes ready to be transferred into the program when I am able.
Currently, there is only two schools in Illinois that have the specific program I am interested. There is English programs, but not with an emphasis on creative writing. SIU and NIU are the only ones that I can see that have that specific program in Illinois.
Here is the thing. I want to go back and finish what I started. The only reason I had to leave was because I could not get financial aid and I had one class that last semester that I ended up with a D. Sometimes you just end up with a bad grade. It happens and I can’t blame anyone for that, but all the other classes I took that semester were C or better. I am just an average student that has to work extra hard to get good grades.
The thing is, if I can go back, I would do things differently. I would not go full time, but part time so that I can concentrate on my classes a little bit more. My goal would be to get my bachelors degree. If I can get a really good GPA, then I would think of going to Grad school. If not, I end with my bachelor’s degree. If I can go on to grad school, then my goal would be to teach college.
The thing is, I do miss those days and I would love to have my freedom back that I had back then.
Over 10 years ago, I started my first website. I have learned a lot over the years and there was some trial and error involved, but I learned along the way. In the early days, I used to do everything from scratch. Yes I used to create webpages from scratch using notepad. Could I still do that today? Yes, if I am making a basic website. Today, I use specific scripts to run my website which is much everything easier. It does not mean I have forgotten how to use the knowledged I had to use when I first started. I still use that knowlege to make the website to still look nice.
As for the scripts, there is two types of scripts I use today. I use wordpress and I use different forum based scripts depending on the project I want to do. When its for me, it is always wordpress in invision power board.
I did not have anyone teaching me how to install any of these and I had to learn how to install them on my own website. I learned how to break it, but I also learned how to fix what I broke. I also learned how important it was to back everything up. To this day, I still like to do it the hard way vs the easy way. When it comes to backing up a database, I usually like to go into the myphp instead of going into the website’s backup section and download it there. Heck if I want to backup files, I still like to go through my ftp client and download the files that way.