The Past Year or So

I lost my mother in August of 2018 unexpectedly. In August that will be 3 years since she passed. I will never know exactly what caused her to stop breathing. I am not sure if I really would like to know what caused her to stop breathing. Nobody should ever have to go through what I went through.

There is a silver lining though. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my mother but I felt she had held me back a bit. I was not working when I came home from college and she did not help me. I was looking for a job even before she had passed away. It took some months but I finally found a job. Its not exactly what I wanted but at least it is a job. If my mother was still alive, I would probably still being at home stuck in a rut and not working. I am in a rut but in a different way, but I am working to get on my feet which is not easy.

I am thankful that I have my aunt and uncle, but I do want to have my own place. More than anything I would like to get around without having to ask people to help me get places. I live in an area that is really hard to get to places. My hope is to move to where I can get around, but the problem is right now is that I do not make enough money to be able to afford to live on my own. My hope is to move to Chicago or some other town that I can get around.

If my mother was still around, I do not know how she would have handled the COVID-19. Its serious but I am not going to let it worry me either as stress can cause issues. If my mother was still around, I probably would have been freaking out. I have been calm throughout this whole thing.

This past October, I had a scare. I had a mammogram and it did not come out normal. I actually had 2 plus an ultrasound. I had a lump that was suspicious. Originally I was supposed to get a needle biopsy but it ended up being referred to a surgeon which said that it would be better to get the lump removed instead. So they were able to remove and biopsy the lump. I was a nervous wreck leading up to it and I did not have much time to plan for it. I was in the office Tuesday and had the surgery Friday. The last time I had any surgery was when I was 3 years old when I had cataract Surgery.

I am thankful though that the biopsy came out normal though. It could have gone either way. I know I am lucky. I know that if I had not gone this route, I would always worry that they would have missed if its cancer. I rather be safe than sorry.

Being off from work was torture. Besides not making money, my uncle drove me nuts.

I keep trying to find ways to make extra money. So far it has not panned out, but the items I am selling or buying, are items that I can use so its not a total loss. I am going to keep trying until something works. I have to take a chance. If I don’t, I won’t ever know. I just want more to my life. I want to be able to live on my own and be able to survive. Biggest issue I will always have is having a hard time getting places due to the fact I am blind in one eye. Yes there are people who are blind in one eye who can drive, but each person is different. Not everyone has cataracts at a young ago in addition to being blind in one eye.

I want to finish college, but that is not going to happen right now as much as I like it to be. My side projects have to be making me money in order for me to finish college. Its killing me to to pay for college on a part time job. I am not making enough and that money could be used for something else. Do I want to finish college? Yes but it does not seem to happen right now until I can make enough money. I can’t qualify for loans and financial aid anymore. I have enough credits that I should have finished already, but there are some classes I still need to finish. No matter if I go to NIU or SIU, it would take a year to finish if I go full time. The other issue of not being able to finish at this time, is living with my aunt and uncles its to hard to study. Its not fair for me to have to study late at night when everyone is asleep especially when I need to be up early the next morning. Once I get my own place then I can go back. When it comes to studying, I need quiet especially for classes that I am having a hard time with. I need to concentrate and I can’t get that here. Its not my aunt, but my uncle that is the issue.

Last year around the time, I had surgery, I was having issues with my elbow and being in pain. This year, I was finally able to get it taken care of it. I have been going for physical therapy for it. Its gotten better but I am still in pain, but its still not 100% and I am not sure if it ever will be.